Turning Out

Sarah (9) came out on the patio today at 8am and wanted to play.  I was up early and writing some responses to yesterday’s post and excited to see her so I put down my phone.

This week we have been playing horse, because the grass is soft here and my knees have one more year of horse before she is too heavy and I’m too feeble.  But, instead of horse she wanted to make a playlist of music we enjoy.  She has a collection in her head of favorite songs she loves to listen to from when I drive her to school or ones she discovers by talking to Alexa.

So early this morning we go to lay out on the grass and listen to the playlist she just made. She puts this song on by AJR and says it’s her favorite song.  I already know the lyrics by heart because it’s also my favorite AJR song.

The Mediterranean coast is half mile down below us and the morning sun is shaded lightly by clouds.  I close my eyes to listen to the words. The sun warms my eyelids.  Those eyelids aren’t going to hold in the happy tears that I have swelling up as I listen to the song say:

“I'm a little kid, and so are you, Don't you go and grow up before I do.

I'm a little kid with so much doubt, Do you want to be there to see how I turn out?”

This girl, she feels so much, just like me, a kid who is still turning out.  She knows I feel the same way because I have told her.  I tell her my mind is like hers because we share 50% of the same organic code that makes us who we are.  I say “I can’t understand everything you feel but I get you more than almsot anyone because you are part of me”. 

She struggles so hard with her thoughts and constantly gets frustrated and feels broken and different than all the kids around her.  I can be there with her because that is how I felt most of my childhood. She is one of the few people that just looks at me and can read my mind and I can speak to her without saying anything. How crazy is love? How insane is the world we get to experience!

Happy 4:20 y’alls

Scott Paul (Sarah’s dad)

Then we went to the aquarium.  No horse today, but it was a great day. Big thanks to Jane who came with me to help watch Sarah, who is a runner and loves to get lost.

Please don’t be distracted by the music video animation. Listen to it first then watch the video. I had not seen the music video until today.

Full lyrics:

I hold you

I hold you closer then I ever knew

I could do

But I'm confused

I thought I'd recognize when love was true

But I'm confused

Am I ready for love?

Or maybe just a best friend

Should there be a difference

Do you have instructions?

Maybe I'm stuck on what I see on TV

I grew up on Disney

But this don't feel like Disney

You say I turned out fine

I think I'm still turning out

You say I turned out fine

I think I'm still turning out

I think I'm still turning out

In my mind

I thought the birds would sing and sparks would fly

But it's just quiet

Am I cruel?

Or am I ignorant or was I fooled

By the stories I knew?

Am I ready for love?

Or maybe just a best friend

Should there be a difference

Do you have instructions?

Maybe I'm stuck on what I see on TV

I grew up on Disney

But this don't feel like Disney

You say I turned out fine

I think I'm still turning out

You say I turned out fine

I think I'm still turning out

I hope you stick around

We're gonna figure it out

Who can I turn to now?

When I'm still turning out

When I'm still turning out

I'm a little kid, and so are you

Don't you go and grow up before I do

I'm a little kid with so much doubt

Do you want to be there to see how I turn out?

I'm a little kid, and so are you

Don't you go and grow up before I do

I'm a little kid with so much doubt

Do you want to be there to see how I turn out?

I'm a little kid, and so are Ty you

Don't you go and grow up before I do

I'm a little kid with so much doubt

Do you want to be there to see how I turn out?

I'm a little kid, and so are you

Don't you go and grow up before I do

I'm a little kid with so much doubt

Do you want to be there to see how I turn out?

'Cause I'm still turning out